FACE  TO  FACE

As I stood before my mirror that morning ready to pursue a new day, my heart stopped.  It happened again!  Years ago I had been plagued with this disfigurement, and now here it was again.

My face was not the same friendly face.  There was no smile.  The mirror reflected an almost angry look.  The whole left side of my face had drooped and become paralyzed with the affliction of Bell's Palsy.

I couldn't control my mouth as I tried to apply my lipstick.  It was immovable on the left side and pushed in an almost deformed manner on the normal side to compensate for the lack of muscle control.  Because the left eye was difficult to close, it remained open and looked quizzically like a glass eye with a blank stare.  The eyelid closed so slowly that my eye was dry and I found it difficult to see.  My tears fell as I remembered the condition lasted for weeks, maybe months, and sometimes it could be permanent.

In disbelief I stood staring at this unfamiliar distorted face staring back at me.  Why would God allow me to be burdened with this again?  He knew I had a job to handle, meetings to attend.  But the thought of seeing my little 8-month-old grandson was the hardest part.  He would wonder what happened to my big smile for him.

My husband had never seen me like this before.  He tried to be lighthearted about it as he observed my near panic, but it must have been hard for him to see me like this.  He was used to the normal features of the woman he married, and here I was looking almost like a total stranger.  I continued to weep in self pity.  I pushed and tugged and massaged the left side of my face as if I could just miraculously bring back the muscle tone.

What would I do?  I couldn't possibly go to work and face anyone with this grotesque looking face.  When I talked, my mouth moved only on the right side and puckered up so that it looked as if I had only a partial lip.  I noticed I was drooling, and talking as if I had a mouth full of Novocain.

I called my supervisor at work and was relieved to find that I was able to get a short term disability.  One problem eliminated.  But I still had to interact with my family.  I had to talk, and I had to look into their eyes of pity and hurt for me.  I knew they would try hard to make me feel normal, but I know I'm not.

When I did face them, my little grandson looked at me trying to put together the voice and appearance with the strange face.  He stared at me for the longest time --  I cried.  I wonder if children see deformities and are repulsed by them, or if they just accept them.


Then came the day I had been dreading -- leaving the house and facing people at the doctor's  office.   It was a nightmare for me.  I sat in the waiting room for half an hour looking at the floor, trying to cover my mouth and hoping no one would look at me or speak to me.

Before this palsy I instinctively smiled at everyone with whom I made eye contact.  But now there was no smile, no matter how desperately I tried to get the muscles to move, there was only a mean, unhappy look.

I was humiliated.  My face had always been a source of contentment to me, knowing that it was fairly attractive when fixed to the best of my ability.  Maybe that's part of my attitude problem.  For me it was extremely important to look my best at all times, even on Saturdays at home with nothing ahead of me but cleaning the house.  Deep down I know that this attitude was not pleasing to the Lord.  He wants the inner beauty to show through --  the beauty of our soul that lives for Him.  But how did God expect any inner beauty to show through if I couldn't even smile?

Depression would come and go as I gave in to the fear that this could be a permanent condition and that maybe I would never to able to smile again.  I tried to picture the future as I was now, and I couldn't even imagine it.

Where was my faith?  I knew I had no reason to blame God for this because I firmly believe He is in control of my life in every aspect, and working everything in my life for good.  His grace has always been sufficient for me, but this palsy was extremely heavy for me right now.  My discouragement was more focused than my faith.

I didn't like the things God was revealing to me about myself.  Vanity and "self" were roads that pulled away from God's path in my life.  I began to realize one the
reasons I was so upset with the way I appeared to others is because I had also been judgmental about how others looked to me.  I unconsciously judged people by the way they combed their hair, what makeup they used, how they talked and reacted.  Hypocrite!  God despises hypocrites, and often admonished the Pharisees for that.

St. Augustine was quoted as saying, "Before God can deliver us from ourselves, we must undeceive ourselves."  I was painfully beginning the process of being forced to undeceive myself.  I knew something had to change in me and my attitude.  Other people had infirmities and they learned to live graciously with them, yet I was so ashamed of the way I looked.  Inwardly I was questioning God's reasons, and at the same time I was ashamed of the importance I place on outward appearances.

God certainly does have a way to gently, and sometimes not so gently, point out the areas in our lives that He wants us to re-evaluate so that we may be more obedient to His Word.  While watching a Sunday morning church service on television several days after my palsy began, God began to answer my questions and put my circumstance in perspective with the illustration of the potter and the clay.  It became clear the Master Potter was molding me!  I saw how God as the potter has to get me, the clay, into the center of the wheel so that I as the vessel could be properly formed.  The vanity and judgmental importance I put on appearance was tilting me off center and keeping me from God's perfect work.  God has a plan for me, an assignment that won't get done if I am not properly molded.  God molds us through our circumstances into His likeness, and I could feel Him molding me.

Temptations like vanity and judging others on their physical appearance are difficult things to overcome, especially as Satan wants us to take our minds off God and concentrate on ourselves.  God had to make me aware of my sinful attitudes before I could begin to change.  How deeply thankful I am that God loves me, sin and all.  But even though God loves me unconditionally, I knew my very first priority had to be a confession of my sin to Him.  I had to give God the areas in my life that I could not change by myself.  W.M. Taylor said, "True repentance hates the sin and not merely the penalty; and it hates the sin most of all because it has discovered and felt God's love."

It was time for me to yield to the potter, to yield to God's complete control in my life.  **After a week of daily scheduled time in the Word and after daily specific prayer, I found the strength to yield to His plan for me, whatever that plan will be.  I yielded the present circumstance and all its frustrations and fears, and I yielded the future circumstances to Him with all its uncertainties.  I found strength from the words in 1 Peter 5:6, "If you will humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, in His good time He will lift you up."  (TLB)

I am still experiencing part of the palsy as I write this, but I have a renewed hope and assurance that whatever happens, whether it's a temporary or permanent condition, I can look forward to God's wonderful plan for my life.  I have the message of Christ's constant
love, and Romans 12:12 affirms my importance to Him, "Be glad for all God is planning for you.  Be patient in trouble, and prayerful always."  (TLB)  

My eyes have been opened to areas in my life that need changing.  God has shown me the appearance of my heart is what's important, and I need to make sure that my heart is

beautiful.  I cannot judge myself or others by appearances I think I see.  God's love in my heart needs to be the basis of my outlook, and God's Word needs to be the basis of my strength.  I am thankful that God has chosen to show this to me, and I can finally say that the beauty of this discovery in my life has been worth the imperfect face.

"When you are face to face with a difficulty, you are up against a discovery." (Lord Kelvin)



    Verses marked TLB are taken from The Living Bible, copyright 1971
    by Tyndale House Publishers, Wheaton, IL.  Used by permission.















It was time for me to yield to the potter, to yield to God's complete control in my life.  I set out to spend more time in daily devotions searching the Word of God.  As I prayed specifically for God to reveal His purposes,  Psalm 139 proved to be a blessing as it revealed a father's love.  God loved me as a Father even before I was born and He scheduled each day of my life.  As I repeated the words of Verse 24, "Point out anything you find in me that makes you sad, and lead me along the path of everlasting life",  God began showing me how my vanity and pride made Him sad.  Psalm  66 affirmed that He was testing me and refining me like silver.  Gradually the Words of Scripture gave me the strength to yield to His plan for me, whatever the plan.  I yielded the present circumstance and all its frustrations and fears, and I yielded the future circumstances to Him with all its uncertainties.  I determined to obey the words in 1 Peter 5:6 to humble myself under the mighty hand of God because in His good time He would lift me up.














    My husband supported me through it all.  He assured me that in time my face would return to normal, and even if there was the slightest chance my palsy would be permanent, his love for me would not change.  

    The unconditional love of my husband and the victory I was experiencing in my growing relationship with the Lord, gave me the strength I needed the day I first returned to work.  My face was not yet normal, and although some of my co-workers were uncomfortable looking at me, I found I was able to be realistic and at peace with my appearance.